When Scars Define Us
by pandorabox82
Summary: Hermione runs into the last person that she ever expected to see in Diagon Alley. But will the conversation they have be able to set her heart to rights?


"I'll walk you home."

Hermione looked up to see a very familiar face staring down at her, an inscrutable look there, and she frowned through her tears. "I don't have a home right now. I managed to fuck everything up and Ron told me that it would be better if I didn't show my face there for a few days."

"Your husband is still an idiot, then. Perhaps he should have cut off his association with Potter, since it appears that he still acts like a child."

She wanted to protest Severus's words, but a part of her knew that he was right, and so she ran her hand over her hair lightly before giving him a small shrug. "I don't think that we ever truly grew up, Severus. Though I pray that our children are allowed to do so. There are times when I am glad that I agreed to allow my children to be raised in this world, since they could have been raised in the Muggle world. What's going on out there, scares me enough to want to never allow them to know anything other than this world. My parents agree with me, as well."

"The Muggle world is certainly fraught with danger right now, I will agree. Now, if you don't have a home to get to, may I escort you somewhere else?"

Hermione shrugged once more. "I suppose. I just need some time to cool down before I head home and apologise for going off on Ron like I did. I just…" Her voice broke off as her hand unconsciously darted around her torso. There was no way she was going to tell her former professor what exactly had caused her to react so strongly to Ron's unconscious jibe at her. Still, he seemed to know what she was driving at, as a flicker of empathy, actual empathy, darted across his face before his typical sneer was screwed firmly back in place. "Well, I could use a stiff drink right about now, so why don't we head to the pub?"

He nodded shortly before taking hold of her elbow and guiding her, not to the more populated pub on Diagon Alley, but to a smaller, almost empty, pub located down an offshoot of the main street. Hermione felt vaguely uneasy about the location until they were inside the building, and she was able to see that despite the almost dilapidated outer façade, the inside was dark and elegant, speaking to Severus's tastes. "There aren't many people that come here, because people are more likely to look at the outside and make their judgement calls," he offered by way of explanation. "If you want to take a seat, I'll bring us the first round of drinks."

She gave him a fleeting smile as she dipped her chin in agreement, looking around the room for the perfect table. Finally, she saw an out of the way, small, table in the back and she went over to it hurriedly and took a seat so that her back was to the wall and that she could watch the door. She knew that that was a holdover from the war and that it would be a hard habit to break. If she ever could break it. Mad Eye Moody had never lost his wartime paranoia, after all. Letting out a deep sigh, she buried her face in her hands and tried to get control of her rapidly spiraling emotions. "I hope that you don't mind hard cider, that's what I always start with," Severus said lowly as he took a seat, handing her a large glass.

"This is fine, as long as we do gin next." He gave her a surprised smile as she took a large sip of the cider, and Hermione almost choked on the mouthful, suppressing the chuckle that threatened to cause her death. He looked at her, one eyebrow quirked up, and she hurriedly swallowed so that she could respond. "You men are all alike, surprised that someone like me could be into gin. I'm not into the whole wine mum scene."

"Perish the thought," he said drolly before he took a long sip of his cider, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth before actually smiling at her. "I suppose that now you'd like to know why you happened to bump into me this evening."

"Perhaps that would be nice. As Minister of Magic, it is my duty to know everything that is happening in our country. Which is why I knew that you were alive and breathing."

"I planned it that way, Ms Granger, since I didn't want to startle anyone. It took a long time for me to recover from what happened, even with a bezoar to help drain the poison of Nagini's bite. I took some time to replenish my potions stocks and sold what I could on the black market to be able to afford to live. I'm certain that you won't have me thrown into Azkaban for that?" She shook her head. "That's a relief. I also wanted to take stock of what my life had become. Near death experiences have a tendency to force a person to examine the choices they made that led them to that moment."

"You were a bit of a bastard," she said wryly before taking another drink.

"That's putting it mildly."

It was odd to hear him be so critical of himself, and she nodded slowly before taking another deep breath. "The war scarred us all in different ways. There are times when I don't recognize the woman I've become, though I do know that I am the product of what I went through." She absently rubbed her arm, feeling the raised scars that Bellatrix had left behind. Ron had always told her that she could get those scars removed, but just like Harry's, they were an integral part of who she was, who she had been sculpted to be, that that was never an option for her. "I see that Nagini left you with a wicked set of scars, too."

"She did."

It was then that she realized that no one else had taken notice of his being there, something that should have been talk of the pub, even though there were only a dozen other people in there. "Wait, how come no one else recognizes you?"

He chuckled lowly, a mirthless, almost mean, sound before he answered. "Glamour spells are still used, Ms Granger. There are certain people who don't need to be aware of my existence, as not everything bad goes away with the end of an evil tyrant."

"I know. And there are a lot of people who put on the mask of civility in order to appear better than they really are. Which is to say that I understand your reticence. I presume that the goblins know of your return to life?"

"Of course, they can see straight through any glamour spells that are cast. They have to, given the job they do. It doesn't take much to get them to look the other way, either. Gold is their price, after all." She nodded a little as she finished off her glass of cider. "You might want to pace yourself. It wouldn't do to get completely blotto, after all."

"Maybe that's the point after the day I had. I'll be right back with our next round." She tightened her mouth as she slipped away from the table and made her way over to the bar. It didn't take long for the man behind it to come her way, and she gave him a small smile. "I need two of the largest glasses of gin you can give me."

He nodded before giving her the total. Quickly, she handed it over to him and then watched him fill up the glasses. "Are you sure you don't want any tonic water with these?" he asked as he slid the glasses over to her.

"No, I don't want to water these down at all." He nodded and she smiled tightly before taking the glasses back to their table. She didn't fail to miss the slight way Severus rolled his eyes when he looked at the glasses, and she shrugged as she handed him a glass and then took her seat once more. "What else have you been up to these last few years? I'm assuming that you haven't just been sitting on your thumbs."

"You're right, I haven't just been doing nothing. Since my time was completely my own for the first time in decades, I was able to work more fully on the potions that I wanted to develop further. I made some breakthroughs that will help to transform the way the art is taught at Hogwarts, and hopefully across the Continent, but that is a little too much to ask. Though I have had to publish my results under a pseudonym, again as there are people who would not look kindly upon my making those strides, given who I was in the Death Eaters."

"You did what you had to do, and you weren't Voldemort's man. For good or for ill, you were Dumbledore's. Not that he was much different from the boy he helped to corrupt." Severus raised his eyebrows in agreement before he took a sip of the gin, coughing a little in surprise. "I didn't add any tonic. We're both adults, right?"

"Right. Now, what soured you on Albus?"

"The fact that he was willing to sacrifice Harry's life to end the life of Tom Riddle. He manipulated both of them, and were it not for the fact that Harry had us to protect him and get him to question some of the more bizarre situations that Albus placed him in, he might not have survived the final battle at Hogwarts. There is no way that we, as children, should have had to fight that war. It should have all been on you. Well, not you in particular, but you know exactly what I mean! We were lambs being led to slaughter, and no one ever seemed to think twice about the repercussions of that decision!"

Hermione knew that her voice was tending towards hysterical, but she couldn't think of a way to rein herself in, her chest heaving as she glared at him with tear filled eyes. There was something soft in his gaze that seemed to speak to her inner turmoil in that moment, and that was enough to get her to burst into quiet tears as she buried her face in her hands once more. "Hermione, you have to learn to let go of the pain that is eating you from the inside out. If you don't, you'll end up like myself. Bitter, rueful, and stuck in a past that no longer exists. You are better than that."

She let out a snort of a laugh as she knocked back a quarter of her glass, shaking her head a little at the burn that resulted from doing that. "Am I?"

He looked down at the table, which allowed her to study him closely, taking in the slightly healthier tone to his skin and hair, and the way his fingers tapped and rubbed against his glass, as if he was trying to think of the right way to reply to her. "Yes," he finally said, still looking at the tabletop. "You were the most promising witch of your age. You burned with a brightness that was hard to shade, just like Lily did. You survived the war, where she didn't, and look where you are. Leader of our people here in the United Kingdom. You command respect."

"But I wanted so much more!"

To her surprise, he reached across the table and took firm hold of her hand. "We all want more with our lives, Hermione. And you are still in a place where you can change things, if you wish."

"I wish I believed that. I feel like I've been maneuvered into a place where none of the choices were my own, and now I can't find a way out. The walls are closing in, and losing the baby feels like it was the last in a long string of events that were outside my control. I don't like being out of control."

"Then take that control back. Be the witch you were supposed to be when you were accepted into Hogwarts. And don't let anyone try to hold you back." Severus finished off the rest of his gin before getting up and looking down at her. "You've grown into an accomplished woman and witch. Use that to your advantage and change your circumstances, or else be stuck in a place that will only bring you more turmoil. I will be speaking with you soon regarding my reintroduction to society, since I don't want to live in the shadows for much longer. Second chances at life have a way of making a person want to live more. Have a good evening."

"Wait, you're not going to get drunk with me?"

"No, Hermione. Because we're both better than that. However, there's a room waiting for you here, when you've finished your bender, so that you don't have to worry about splinching yourself when you inevitably try to apparate home. Have a good evening."

He gave her a small bow before sweeping out of the pub, and she sighed deeply as she finished off the rest of her gin, knowing that she wasn't going to drink any more that evening. Not when he had given her so much to think about. Letting out a deep sigh, Hermione got up from the table and made her way back up to the bar. "I was told that I have a room here this evening?"

"That's right, ma'am. Here's your key, you're in room three, upstairs on the left."

Nodding to him, she took hold of the key and unsteadily made her way upstairs, finding her room with ease, though it took her a moment to get the key in the lock and find the dexterity to open it. The room was cosy, though a bit dark, and she tripped over to the bed after locking the door once more, falling upon it and burying her face in the pillow. She had never thought that she would be taking advice on life from one Severus Snape, but she knew that he had made a few good points. And in her heart of hearts, she wondered why he had been so kind. It was more than just wanting to turn over a new leaf in life, she knew that much for certain. But trying to come up with a reason for why he had done so was making her head hurt, so she just pulled the duvet up over her head as she tried to will herself to sleep, knowing that that would be the best thing for her in that moment. After all, she had never helped herself by dwelling on things that were far beyond her control, even if she wanted nothing more than to be in complete control of every aspect in her life. And not for the first time, she wished that she had been a different person, that her scars didn't define her, and that she had been brave enough to choose a different life than the one she was currently living.


End file.
